4 Tips for Dealing with Trauma

“We need to keep him overnight for observation.”

It was 2:00 a.m., and I’m trying to compute the doctor’s words as he communicated to me that my 3-year-old son and I wouldn’t be sleeping in our beds that night. That particular day was a whirlwind, and this was the moment that put the cherry on top.

I called my wife. I told her we had to stay the night but little did I know the journey that statement started. That one night turned into 30 days in the hospital during the pandemic. The 30 days led to 79 days on a feeding tube for my little man and a completely turned upside-down world for our family. Who would’ve thought a small bike accident would do so much damage?

For 30 days, my wife and I didn’t spend more than 5 minutes together as we exchanged shifts in the hospital every 24 hours. For 30 days, we continued to hear doctors say, “We can’t do anything but wait.” For 30 days, during a global pandemic, my family navigated the most challenging season of our life.

But months later, with a fully healed son looking back, I discovered some principles that will shape the rest of my life for how I see myself and other people.

Don’t Walk Life Alone

The only way we made it through this time was by having a team of people. The doctors operated in groups. My wife and I were a team. Supported by family and friends who filled the gaps we could not fill. We tell ourselves to be strong and get it together, but all and all, that is a lie that will lead to implosion. Deciding to do everything yourself will limit how much love and support you receive in life. No matter what it is that you experience, you are designed not to go at it alone.

I Am Replaceable AND I Am Not Replaceable

During that time, I called my boss and told him what had happened. Two weeks prior, my wife and I discovered we had a covid conception and were expecting our fourth son. Because of my wife’s pregnancy and inability to be around x-ray machines, I had to be the parent present for all procedures.

“Take time away and handle your family business. We’ll handle work.”

My boss’s words came from the other end of the phone call.

When I heard those words, I wept. Not because of gratitude, but I knew my boss was right. I was replaceable at work. They could find another me. They could figure out how to get the responsibilities I was carrying done. But all and all, I wept because I had always wanted to believe my skill set was the only skill set of its kind. It wasn’t. Work could fill my role.

But I was the only man the hospital would let visit my son. I was the only person who could be with my son during the tests. I was the only one who could fill the role at the hospital. Is what I do at work necessary? Yes. But is it vital? No. But I’ll be the only father my son knows and the only husband to love my wife. If I believe the lie that I am irreplicable at any other role in life, I’ve robbed my family, who only have one me.

When Hardships End, The Trauma Does Not

Hardship creates trauma and trauma weasels itself into our soul. Anytime my son has a stomach ache, he begs us not to go back to the hospital. When we take him to get a well check, he cowers as the doctors walk in the room, expecting to go through needles and procedures. Pictures trigger emotions for my wife and me.

Hardships will always end, but trauma haunts. I used to believe I was stronger than whatever I experienced. Did I come out of it? I did. Was I unscathed? Nope. Trauma is like losing a limb. You can pretend it is there until you have to use it again. And when you become aware of that, you react strongly. I now know, like my son, I have experienced hardship that created the trauma. And it has affected the way I treat people and respond in certain situations. The good news is God is in the business of repairing trauma.

Hard is Hard. Everyone Has Hard

Throughout the 79 days of this experience for my son and our family, people kept saying, “I can’t imagine how hard this was for you.” They were right. It was hard. We cried, prayed, and hoped. But what didn’t escape me was that each person was struggling too because of the global pandemic. Was our story more unique? Maybe. But everyone was struggling. I tend to become obsessed with my hardship and forget others have theirs. Hard is hard. And regardless of someone’s hard would make a better movie storyline than your hard, it doesn’t mean it isn’t a struggle.

Throughout this time, I reminded myself, hard is hard, and everyone is facing hard. I found that helped me be more compassionate to realize I’m not the only one suffering this season. The same is true outside of a pandemic. Every person’s life is riddled with hard. And when we get so obsessed with our version of hard, we can forget that.

Everyone’s pandemic season has its highs and its lows. Cherish the highs. Learn from the lows. And make tomorrow the best day yet.